From The Desk Of Jeffery and Cole

Recently, Tyra Banks and Rachel Ray claimed to be “gay for each other”. The following is fictional AOL chat between Tyra Banks and Rachael Ray on the night of Monday, October 3rd around 11:30pm EST. 

MoodyFoodie69:
hi

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Hey hey.

MoodyFoodie69:
this tyra? (this isnt a stalker LOL!)

MoodyFoodie69:
its rachael rayyyy!

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Are you for real, gurl? Hey. I wasn’t going to say anything if this was a stranger but since I know you…. be forewarned I’m wassssssssted.

MoodyFoodie69:
Me too.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Duh.

MoodyFoodie69:
HEY! lol. (you’re so right)

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Where did you get my sn?

MoodyFoodie69:
Jane Fonda.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Woof.

MoodyFoodie69:
Tell me about it. I can’t sign onto Google Chat past 7PM without: “Hey. Are you around?” Its like…. No Jane. I’m not around and even if I were…. you live in LA!! lol.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
You can go invisible on gchat! I had to when I was making Life Size because Lizzy always wanted to talk. ALWAYS!

MoodyFoodie69:
Lizzy???

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Lohan

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
LOL! LINDSAY!!! HAahaha! I’m such a tard/wasssssted.

MoodyFoodie69:
ur being rly cute ;)

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Ya? You like black chicks? Hahaha ;)

MoodyFoodie69:
Do you even have to ask that, silly? :E ←- that’s me taking a bite outta your butt

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
:0 ←— That’s me turning red and saying: OUCH THAT HURT but also kinda liking it. LOL!!!!

MoodyFoodie69:
I like how you play. Hey, where in the city do you live?

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Upper East but I’m staying at a hotel this month because some girl I brought home from the Daytime Emmy’s gave me bed bugs.

MoodyFoodie69:
Not Sandra Oh?

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Worse! Hoda Kotb!

MoodyFoodie69:
:-p——— thats me puking.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESSS:
LOL! We didn’t do anything!  She just got scared and needed to sleep here! I’m at the Trump Soho. Be here in 10 minutes?

MoodyFoodie69:
I need to hop in the shower first-

MISSAMAZONPRIESTRESS:
NO!!!!!! DON”T!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry. LOL. But seriously don’t.

MoodyFoodie69:
Lol! Ok. You wanna shower together?

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
I don’t wanna shower at all. ever.

MoodyFoodie69:
:)

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
I hope you’re putting your shoes on and thats why you’re not talking more!!! Ha ha!

MoodyFoodie69:
I’m signing off. Gotta shut my husband up but then I’m out the door.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
SCORE!!!!!!! I’m ordering some Champagne!

MoodyFoodie69:
Order a lot.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTRESS:
Ha! Okay!

MoodyFoodie69:
No really! Whatever you think is enough to last us all night, order three times that much.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Really?

MoodyFoodie69:
Yeah.

MoodyFoodie69:
And just to be clear! We ARE gonna have sex right? (Sorry, I’ve just been accused a lot lately of ‘reading too far into things’)

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Don’t worry, babe. We’re defo gonna do it () ←— That’s what it looks like

MoodyFoodie69:
WOW! I’m OUT THE DOOR, Tyra!!!!!!

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Score. This night just went from fine to AWESOME! lol.

MoodyFoodie69:
Don’t you DARE do anything before I get there.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTRESS:
Please. I don’t do anything for myself, this is my assistant typing this.

MoodyFoodie69:
Oh hey Lisa.

MISSAMAZONPRIESTESS:
Hey Rachel. Tyra says go back to ignoring me now (i get in trouble if you don’t). Thanks for saying hi.

MoodyFoodie69:
ROFL. Okay. I just told my husband I’m going out for some beers, he won’t expect me back till tomorrow afternoon. SEE YOU SOON!!!!!!!!!!

MoodyFoodie69 has signed off

From The Desk Of Jeffery Self

Welcome Welcome Welcome!!!! 

So weird that I am the one welcoming YOU back to New York. Its almost as weird as the time I showed TERI HATCHER around the the Universal Studios lot. 

“Uh. Yea. I think I know where I’m going.” She said in a harsh tone, swatting my hand away and making her way to her personal dressing room. 

“Well, maybe security wouldn’t think you need an escort if you wouldn’t drive up in your Escalade with a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a straw!” I shouted back but it was too late, her dressing room door had long since closed and by now all sounds were muffled by her crying. 

But yea, welcome back! 

I know what you mean about one’s rhythm changing after time away. I’m a little nervous about that with going back to LA and stuff. But all it takes is a few days in a familiar place to get back in the groove. Just ask Stella. Am I RIGHT, black people?! 

Patrick IS here until I go back to LA (so lock up your daughters) so I suspect we’ll spend much of the next week drinking and smoking and making each other giggle. I couldn’t be more pleased. 

In reference to your writing assignment, you asked me: 

Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore want to play mother/daughter again but this time they want it to be a full-length feature so they can win Oscars.  What is the movie and who do they play?

VERY good question and one that I can’t claim I’ve not spent copious amounts of time thinking about already. There are so many ways one could go with this but first let me address ways one should NOT go with it. 

- Any time period before the nineteen twenties. Sorry. Drew Barrymore nor Jessica Lange really work beyond the early-ish half of the 20th century. Not only do I almost always (okay not even almost- just always) fall asleep in movies set in time periods that old but also Drew Barrymore’s isn’t an energy that transcends time and neither is Jessica’s. So lets not go writing some sort of Pilgrim romcom. 

- Nothing in the future because no one will believe Jessica Lange is going to live that much longer. 

- Nothing with British accents because I usually fall asleep during “those” too. #TheKingsCanWeTurnThisOffAndWatchTheKidsAreAllRightSpeech

Here are some options: 

- Set in the south, 1960’s, racial pressures. You know the time. Lets say Alabama. Jessica is a society dame in Mobile. A widower to one of the town’s most presitigious blacksmith dynasties, she’s also got oil money. She’s a real stick in the mud, fuddy duddy and Drew Barrymore plays a young, not so rich girl (also an orphan- parents died in a fire and she’s got a really bad burn on her face) who dreams of being in the Junior Service League. Jessica (her character’s name is Clarice) will have NO part of it. “If I wanted girls who grew up in the boondocks outside of Montgomery, Alabama I’d walk down to the Nickle Stop Cafe and invite a couple of those hispanic waitresses to join!” she says to Mary Steenburgen over tea.

But Clarice (Jessica) has a dirty little secret. She’s sleeping with Ned, a local groundskeeper at the city library…. and he’s black. NO ONE knows about it. Until Drew Barrymore’s character, Elizabeth, finds out. 

Turns into a lot of blackmail and deception but in a light hearted fun tone. Eventually Charice comes out and admits to her affair with Ned and allows Elizabeth into the league. This really changes the town’s outlook on race and poor people. 

OR 

- 1980’s set thriller. Jessica and Drew play really really really really really unflattering depictions of lesbians. They’re crass, rude, dirty, inappropriate, shocking, and mean. Its basically “If These Walls Could Talk” meets “Pulp Fiction” meets “House Of A Thousand Corpses”. There’s a scene where Jessica sits on a bottle of Sherry (upside down) and then uses her body to pour Drew a glass for literally NOT reason whatsoever. Its a 20 minute scene without any cuts and very very little dialogue. Jessica wins the Oscar over Drew because of her work in the bottle scene and for a monologue in the movie where she’s applying for a job at “Fashion Bug” in the mall but the ladies won’t have her because she’s so dirty and butch. 

“You think because I walk in here in these boots and this coon skin cap that I’m less of a lady than YOU?! Let me SHOW you what a lady is!” 

This scene actually devolves into her doing a similar trick but with a bottle of 7-Up. Its been shaken up so when she opens it it goes EVERYWHERE and she just starts sobbing and runs out of the mall. 

- Or a movie where they both play aliens looking for love in all the wrong places. The movie is set in Kansas City and Cherry Jones plays their highly suspicious landlord who is also an Orthodox Jew and crippled. She ends up winning a supporting Oscar and both Jessica and Drew lose to Wendy Williams (who is starring in a Billie Holiday biopic) 

Here’s your project: 

Write me a scene from any of those movie ideas. 

GO. 

Again, welcome back. 

jeffery

From the Desk of Cole Escola

Dear Jeffery,

I’m baaaaaaaack!  I just walked in the door at Glen’s where I’m staying for the next couple of weeks and the first thing I wanted to do was change my underwear and write you a letter.  So here I am, typing at you with my junk all packed in a fresh pair of panties.  It’s a picture right out of the Bible. 

I’m in an odd mood.  I knew being home for five weeks would change my rhythm and I was looking forward to it.  I feel awkward but not necessarily in a bad way.  I miss my mom and my family already.  My mom’s back porch and Lincoln Center are my favorite places in the world but I wish they were closer together. 

Give me something to do to take my mind off of whatever it’s on right now: a writing assignment, a book recommendation, anything.  I was reading Ethel Merman’s Autobiography, but I’m back in New York so if I want a ton of hot air I can open a window.  Ouch!  Better put some ice on that one, Eth!

Anyway, how about I give YOU an assignment: Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore want to play mother/daughter again but this time they want it to be a full-length feature so they can win Oscars.  What is the movie and who do they play?

I’m so looking forward to seeing you and Patrick while I’m here! You two are going back to LA together, right?  He’ll be here for your show on Friday? 

Speaking of shows and boyfriends, I’ve gotta go get my Bernadette Peters wig out of storage for my show on Thursday in Provincetown.  I need to give it a good airing out.  Like everything else I own, it smells like Chinese food and drunk sex.

Love,
Cole

From The Desk Of Jeffery Self

Hey gurl. 

Weird to do this bi-coastal flip flop thing indeed. 

The good news is that you’re returning next week so we’ll have lots of fun with you, me, and Patrick. If that guy thought he saw some pathetic messes when we were together in San Francisco, he’s in for a fucking SHOW in New York City. 

Being in New York, a year after moving away, without you has been exceptionally weird. For all the obvious reasons but also for little ones too. Like when I go over to Glen’s and you’re not there for that first moment of talking about what I did around New York for the day. A year ago that would have been us talking about how little we got done on Casserole and asking “what do you guys want to eat?” 

Time flies when you’re having fun. I reckon it even flies when you’re having a pretty shitty time too. I guess thats comforting in some ways. 

I’ve been staying on Glen’s sofa, where you have lived from time to time. And every inch of the place reminds me of you. Even the toilet. Obviously because of what we did that time when Mara Wilson came over* 

Last night I was getting ready for bed and snuck back into the kitchen for one last nightcap (and by one last nightcap I mean 3rd or 4th vodka and cream soda, I don’t remember) and as I was making the drink, quietly, so as not to make a lot of noise and wake up Glen I thought of you so much. Not only because you’ve clearly done that same thing hundreds of times but because that apartment is where we really began our friendship. During countless nights of movie watching and vodka drinking, between dinners at City Grill, and drunken walks to the train at Columbus Circle…. we first started to learn each other’s rhythm and make each other laugh. 

And as I sat on the sofa last night, sipping that last drink that I REALLY  REALL didn’t need, I thought about how lucky we are. Not just to have each other but to have somebody like Glen who’s willing to let either of us make his living room their home whenever they need it. 

Maybe what I like most of all is that it truly feels like we’re sisters…. and I’m back at Aunt LuAnne’s house again but you’re not there to giggle about the actress who played Aunt Rachel on Family Matters with. its a good reminder of being family, and traditions, and how cool things have been, and how cool things are. 

I need to remind myself of that a lot more often. 

Maybe I’ll do so tonight with a little vodka and cream soda. 

I love you. 

*- It was the time when she was at NYU, not the time when she was a little kid. 

From the Desk of Cole Escola

Dear Jeffery,

How is New York?  What an odd turn of events that you’re there while I’m here at my mom’s in Oregon.

My mom says hi.  Actually she doesn’t.  But she would.  That’s totally something my mom would say (she’s soooo predictable in that way).  It’s her day off today so she’s sleeping in. 

You can tell a lot about a mom by her fridge magnets.

Right now I’m on the back porch trying to protect my exposed calves from bees.  Calves as in leg-parts, not as in baby cows.  Although speaking of cows, once when I was little my grandma’s cows got loose and wandered up to the railroad tracks and we had to scare them off by yelling at them.  That was an awesome day.  Then another time a cow fell into the river and drowned.  And that was the last exciting thing to happen to me in Clatskanie, Oregon. 

But taking it back to the bees now.  There really are a lot of them and I feel bad because they don’t realize all these flowers on my mom’s porch are fake.  “The Audacity of Fake Plants Outside.” How about THAT for a book, Barack Obama?!

A couple days ago I went to the cemetery to clean off my grandma’s headstone (It’s under a pine tree so shit gets real messy, lots of needles and pitch everywhere).  Anyway, I was walking home, enjoying the smell of pitch on my hands (remember that?) and taking in all the giant, amazing trees and mountains I grew up with when a red pick-up full of teenagers passed me… then came past me the other way… then came past me again, and again, until it was basically circling me.  One of the teenagers worked up the nerve to shout “hey!” at me, which the rest of them thought was HILARIOUS.  I ignored them completely.  I think that was the best thing to do.  I hope so, anyway.  They followed me to the grocery store but were gone when I came out.  If they hadn’t been gone, I’m scared I would’ve used the can of chickpeas I bought to do some damage (and you know I fuckin’ could). I’ve been here for weeks, and I’ve visited before, but until that happened I almost forgot how hard it is to be gay in a small town. Being in my New York bubble all the time, I sometimes forget that gay people actually AREN’T the majority.  Those dumbasses made me feel grateful for New York and for my friends and family there.  I guess on some level I feel sad that their lives are so boring that driving by a gay guy was a Summer highlight for them.  But I really feel sad for the gay kids that live here now.  Part of me wants to live here so I can stop complaining and actually do things that make a difference.  One small town at a time.  But mostly I’m like, “Fuck this, can someone pick me up from JFK?”

Besides that, it’s gorgeous here.  Me and mom are just in love with eachother and having a great time cooking and watching “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”  When she’s at work, I usually masturbate or work on the show I’m doing in Provincetown in a couple of weeks.  Didn’t you used to date a guy there? Edgar, that guy with all the lizards?  Tell him to come see the show.

Mom’s awake now and she’s got her teeth in, so I better go hang out with her. 

Love,
Cole

From The Desk Of Jeffery Self

Hello Cole. 

I’ve been absolutely terrible about updating our blog lately. Its been months. The people reading this might think we’ve stopped communicating but in fact, I feel like we’ve been communicating MORE lately but just not in a public blog. I believe it was Hillary Clinton that once said “Communication, in this day and age, doesn’t count unless its in a public forum and somehow related to Living History. A book by Hillary Rodham Clinton” 

So I apologize for not doing a better job of blogging. Sometimes its hard to motivate yourself to write silly things about respected international icons when you’re feeling depressed or when there are so many new episodes of “Happily Divorced” to watch. 

So how are you? 

Since you can’t answer that in this moment I’ll answer for myself. 

I’m good, Cole. Thanks for asking. I’ve really really got to pee but I’m working at the shop and I can’t leave the counter. Its not at an emergency level… yet. I mean, I could technically just walk to the back but I’m kind of enjoying the challenge. “An anxious bladder can really pass the time.” I think Hillary Clinton said that as well. 

We really talk a lot of about Hillary on here, and plan on doing so for as long as possible, but I just want to make sure its clear that it is all out of love. I happen to think Hillary Clinton is one of the fiercest folks around. Do I have any idea what it means to be Secretary of State? Not really. But I really like how she carries herself and I’d love to hear her read “The Giving Tree”. (It’d be so good, right?) 

Here’s what I’d like from you. A list of five things happening to you this week. And also a picture you think best captures your mood while reading this. 

Okay. Thats all for now. I’m gonna go eat this chocolate covered macaroon I’ve got sitting beside me and try not to pee my pants.

Hillary Clinton said that too. 

love.

jeffery

From the Desk of Cole Escola

Dear Jeffery,

Thanks for your supportive words yesterday, lady.  Seriously.  Now let’s get down to business.  You asked me for a “list of five celebrities who have never been nominated for Oscars but you could see getting a nomination at some point before they die.”  And I know you didn’t ask me to, but I also included the movie they won for and what it’s about.

1. Latoya Jackson, for “Fellows” a period drama about real estate agents during WW2.

2. Rita Wilson for “Piano Crimes.”  A three-hour-long thriller/lesbian love story shot in one single take. A lot of gossip blogs hate her performance and assert that she only won because she shaved her eyebrows for the part.

3. Ryan Reynolds for “The Joy Luck Club.”  When appearing on talkshows, Ryan Reynolds always makes a point to assert that this “is NOT a remake of the first Joy Luck Club movie!  It’s a re-imagining of a great American story.”  Millions of dollars are spent on making this the first Technicolor movie since the 60’s.  

4. Marin Mazzie for “Anna Karenina.”  She plays Father Time (a new role in the story, originally invented for Susan Sarandon). Danny Elfman also wins for best score but besides that the movie is almost immediately forgotten.

5. Susan Boyle for “This House Was Ours.”  It’s exactly what you think it’s about.

So that’s that.  Now what I want from you is a list of three celebrity couples and what you think Thanksgiving is like for them.  Or you can imagine what Thanksgiving would be like WITH them.

More Than Just a Guy,
Cole 

(Scarin’ Mazzie)

From The Desk Of Jeffery Self

Hey diva. 

Wow. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Thats terribly sad. I am thinking good thoughts and sending them your way and saying prayers for her family and tribe. I am really sorry, Cole. 

It was really awesome seeing you for five seconds last week. It felt so intense and fast and weird that I, too, had a hard time registering that it had even happened. I’m still not convinced it did. Come to think of it, I don’t really have any concrete reason to believe it did. 

What I do know for sure is how cool it was to reunite with you. So effortless and groovy. On Tuesday night when we were passing that joint back and forth and laughing uncontrollably about who knows what, I took a second to look out the window at Manhattan and the view you and I had laughed in front of thousands of times before and I felt so comforted and glad we met in the first place. My quick NYC trip was great but it left me yearning for more hang outs, more laughs, more finishing each others’ sentences. And we shall have more of just that very very soon. 

Since I guess we’ve already set a sentimental tone for this post I will go out on an emotional limb here and say how much I love you and how neat it is that we’re friends. 

In other news, I’ve started working at this really neato shop in Los Feliz here in LA. Its a great area with lots of hip people and cool stuff. The shop itself is ADORABLE and its down the street from the headquarters of the new health food program Kirstie Alley just started. Its a good fit. 

When you get a chance this week…. send me a list of five celebrities who have never been nominated for Oscars but you could see getting a nomination at some point before they die. They don’t have to be “actors” per say, and by that I mean… yes, Hillary Clinton would make a lot of sense. 

God bless Shelley Duvall and God bless you too, Cole.

love.